Suddenly, out-of-the-blue, I lost my mojo. I pray it is fleeting and quickly returns, but I'm a wreck about it this AM. It started in the middle of the night with thoughts that the contest is over. How will I go on? Do I want to go on? 16 pounds was nice, but what comes next? Why was I thinking about this in the middle of the night, a time when I don't usually eat or workout and only have to concentrate on resting?
So then my mind wandered down memory lane, and several times I audibly said, "I love you, God." My family knows me. Most of the time I am struggling when this happens, and The Hubs rolled over and asked me what was wrong. There had been such a myriad of thoughts that I didn't know where to begin, but I told him what I could, ending with my thoughts on weight loss. He quietly said, "You can't quit now," and it was a blessing to hear. It's what I know. And this man, my hero, has been a pillar of support like never before.
Anyway, as I get into the start of my day some normal setbacks occur, I blow up, and then I cry. You never know what someone else is thinking. Never. Oh, we think we do! But no. I imagine The Hubs thinks I'm crying because I feel bad about blowing up, but I don't, and I'm not. I crying over years of neglect.
Where do I go with this post? I spent the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010 rehashing all the painful parts of my history that I'd never dealt with. My normal, naturally positive attitude disappeared and gave way to darker thoughts. I don't believe in naming names and causing others to think poorly of another, but on my private blog I did share a little TMI. I am not proud of it, as I cannot take it back in the minds of those who read it. We have all been wronged and done wrong! And I'm sure many times it is unintentional.
None of that rehashing made me a better person. None of it made it all go away or gave me closure. None of it brought healing to relationships. I concluded that I don't think it necessary to explore our feelings so deeply as the world tells us to. I rather like the days of old when people sucked it up and kept it movin'. I don't know when/why/how that time in my life ended, but I was over-thrilled when it did! It was bliss to be back in my own skin. And then crept in the wee hours of last night.
Why is it so hard to let go? I don't want to grow a root of bitterness that turns me into a crotchety, old lady! I don't believe I'm headed for another year of reflection, but oh I'd like for such thoughts to never resurface again! I know that's unrealistic, but I'm not sure I understand why not...
I love the song, "Let it Go", by Scenic Roots. I probably need a listen or two (or more) today! You can listen to a bit here; it's #11. I wonder if I could add it as background music to my blog and how...
Pushin' through the pain!
Some further reflections: It is true that I am awfully dramatic! I do know that I have not been through anything overly unique and that there are millions of people who have been through worse and have it worse. Way worse. But there is pain there, and I have seasons of struggling with it. I don't understand this and am trying to just move forward from here.